She's Countrier

Here are some lyrics from http://www.farcethemusic.com/.  This song reminded me of the episode from "The Office" when Andy suggested to Michael that they could change the outgoing message for Dunder-Mifflin to something with zing and pep to which Jim replied that instead they should change that message to something with even MORE zing and pep.

These great lyrics are from the song, "She's Countrier"

She's Countrier

v1

She was breach born in a Silverado

Raised in shed in a backwoods hollow

Fed cold collards, cheese and pimento

Smelling pig crap every time the wind blows

Lift

Yeah, we're from the same bloodline

But the reason that she's mine

Chorus

She's countrier

Than a muddy ol' fat sow

She's countrier

The girl can work a plow

You wanna see cornfed, better come see her

Your girl might be country but she's countrier

v2

She drinks moonshine like its faucet water

Wears cutoffs to church, no she shouldn't oughtta

She yells "Yeehaw!" everytime she sneezes

Got a rebel flag tatt right next to Jesus

Lift

That's right, the girl's got class

Can get a coon treed real fast

Chorus

She's countrier

Than a poison ivy rash

She's countrier

Name on every overpass

You wanna see a yokel, better come meet her

You might know some country but she's countrier

Bridge

She loves America and Camel cigarettes

All three of the Hanks and cooking up meth

She's countrier

Than ol' David Alan Coe

She's countrier

Than a homemade garden hoe

You gotta hike through kudzu to come see her

You've been to the country but she's countrier

Having Myself a Big and Rich Time

Crash: Here I am again with “Big” Kenny Alphin and John Rich of the Country duo “Big and Rich” and founders of the “Muzik Mafia”. Welcome, Gentleman.


BK: Well, we’re damn sure glad to be here.

JR: Yeah man, thanks for having us in today. What’s up with that hat?

Crash: It’s not a hat, it’s a beret.

JR: Well what’s up with that beret?

Crash: Oh, I’m French, that’s why I wear a beret.

JR: (laughing) You ain’t French, you don’t even sound French.

Crash: Believe me, I’m French and the beret proves it.

BK: (laughing) Man, you are one crazy S-O-B, but just because you put on a hat don’t make you something you’re not.

Crash: Touche. Alright, let’s get started and learn a little more about the force that is “Big and Rich”. John, we’ll start with you. So you were in the band “Lonestar” is that correct?



JR: Yes, for about five years.

Crash: Until they fired you.

JR: Well, yeah, we decided it would be best if I went solo.

Crash: And you mean “we” decided, you mean they told you that they wanted you out of the band?

JR: Something like that.

Kenny loves America

Crash: And Kenny, you weren’t doing anything at the time, correct?

BK: I was recording and writing.

Crash: But before that you were with Hollywood Records but they dropped you before releasing your first album.

BK: Yeah.

Crash: So, the both of you met at a club right.

JR: I was dating this girl and she wanted me to see Kenny. I wasn’t too excited because I didn’t want to see a man play who called himself “Big Kenny” but you know what guys will do to get laid so I went.

Crash: And then what happened?

JR: Well, Kenny had this thing where he thought the crowd should always be able to leave his shows with something so he decided that night to throw out bubble gum to the crowd, and I turned for a second and looked back and a gum ball hit me square between the eyes. Later on, we met and decided that we should get together.

Crash: So then you started recording?

BK: Not exactly, we couldn’t catch a break in Nashville so we started to take some song writing seminars and try to hone our skills.

Crash: That’s pretty much how all of the greats started from what I hear. So let me get this straight...You got kicked out of a crappy band and you got dropped from your label because you weren’t very good and then you thought that it was a good idea to take two crappy acts, one that you, John, thought was silly because he threw out candy at a show and his name was horrible, and put them together still using the name “Big Kenny” even though you thought it was horrible? Then you went and took a class on writing country music hoping that would make you a commodity in the music community?

Two toned jeans, hotdog and ketchup, by an Xterra
spells A-W-E-S-O-M-E

JR: I wouldn’t exactly put it THAT way.

Crash: How exactly would you put it?

JR: It just took us a while to find our “niche”. You know...our “style”

Crash: O.K. Let’s get to that. Tell me about your “style”.

BK: Well we know that Country is our bread and butter, so...

Crash: Wait, your what?

BK: Our bread and butter.

Crash: Oh, I call it a baguette. Sorry, proceed.

BK: Well we take elements from Rock ‘n Roll, R&B, and Rap. We even have a 6 foot 5 black guy rapping for us...Cowboy Troy.

Crash: Man, that is just as country as it gets right there. So let me try to wrap my brain around all of this. You dress up, one of you in all black and a cowboy hat and the other like a broke down version of David Lee Roth’s retarded brother in a top hat, and you bring out a black dude in a big hat and buckle and he raps country style?

We put the rap in "crap"

JR: Yeah we call it “Hick-Hop”

(Both laugh)

Crash: Wow...country rap. If that doesn’t stick, I have a great name. “Crap”. Get it, “Crap”. Country-Rap.

BK: I think we’ll stick with “Hick-Hop”

Crash: Before we get to your earth shattering lyrics, I want to hear some of Cowboy Troy.

I got my look from Cowboy Curtis

Dum-diggity-dum, diggity -diggity-dum, dig this

Slicker than the grease from a barbecue brisket

Got more chunk than a fresh potato salad

You thought you had your answer but your answer was invalid

You’re lookin' at me crazy 'cause you think I'm loco

The Big Black Cowboy with the crazy vocal

Todas las personas estan gritando arriva

Now you heard it, now I know you're a believer

Esta cancion es para toda la gente

Es muy importante a usar su mente

So let go of all your preconceived notions

Get up on your feet and put your body in motion

‘Cause back home we love to dance

We could be two steppin’ or ravin’ to trance

And when the party is “crunk” the girls back it up

We’ve got the systems in the cars and the 20’s on the trucks

6’4” with a cowboy hat

I don’t mess around, yo! What’s up with that?

I’m Cowboy Troy, a Texas hick!

And i'm rollin’ with the “brothas” Big & Rich!

Go cowboy Go cowboy, go (Go cowboy Go cowboy, go)

Go cowboy Go cowboy, go (Go cowboy Go cowboy, go)

See Big and Rich live ft Cowboy Troy

Crash: Amazing. Truly amazing.

BK: Yeah, it’s pretty cool to see him up on stage.

Crash: No, I mean that is one shameless gimmick if I have ever seen one.

Crash: Then you go on in “Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)”

Well, I walk into the room

Passing out hundred dollar bills

And it kills and it thrills like the horns on my Silverado grill

And I buy the bar a double round of crown

And everybody's getting down

An' this town ain't never gonna be the same.

Crash: And later in the song you say:

So I took her out giggin frogs

Introduced her to my old bird dog

And sang her every Wilie Nelson song I could think of

And we made love

Crash: You really got your money’s worth at those seminars. Could y’all have picked any three more random yet gratuitous things besides frog giggin’, Willie, or a bird dog?

JR: Well, out of context they don’t make much sense. You gotta listen to an entire song.

Crash: Honestly, I can’t make it through one of them in its entirety. Your lyrics don’t really tell a story; they are more like pointless drivel. I get what you are trying to do and I don’t blame you. Both of you were failed musicians and found a niche; more power to you, but don’t call yourselves Country Outlaws and don’t try to tell me that you are revolutionizing the music industry by bringing genres together. That shit has been done forever and it’s not to bridge gaps and promote racial harmony. It’s trying to expand a market to reach more wallets, plain and simple. The music industry is hurting and they are trying to milk you guys for everything that you got. So you can pose next to all of the pickup trucks you want in cowboy hats, mention John Wayne and Willie Nelson all you want, and even name one of your albums after a Hank Jr. song, but you’re the adult equivalent of a boy band. You had people dress you and come up with a persona that would sell albums and that, my friends, is the #1 reason that y’all are not outlaws. So if you don’t mind, it’s time for my afternoon croissant and I’m getting nauseous listening to your stock answers that a publicist wrote for you. Au Revoir.

JR: Man, you d...

Crash: I SAID AU REVOIR, SIR!!!!

BK: Whatever man, we’re out of here.

RCS Interview with Taylor Swift

Crash: Here I am today with Country Beauty, Taylor Swift. Ms. Swift, How are you today?


TS: I’m doing great Crash, thanks for having me today, and it’s just Taylor.

Crash: O.K. Taylor, before we begin, I just want to ask you personal question if I may.

TS: You can ask…shoot.

Crash: Can I smell your feet?

TS: Ewwwww. Gross. No!

Crash: Well, it’s probably your vagina then.

TS: WHAT?

Crash: Nothing. I was joking. I’m sure you smell fine down there. I was just trying to break the ice and make you feel a little more comfortable for the interview.

TS: Well, can we change the subject and maybe talk about my new album?

Crash: I’d rather not. To be honest, I haven’t even listened to it, but I already know what it is about. I think you’re cute and all but all the songs about high school break ups and those awkward teenage years don’t really appeal to me. This is what...your third album? How many dudes could have cheated on you in high school?

TS: Yes, “Speak Now” is my third album, but this one is different…more mature.

Crash: So, instead of a 16 yr old bitching about men, it’s a 19 year old doing it? Plus, you will look back one day and be sooooo glad that you didn’t end up with one of your loser high school boyfriends. The one great thing about fame is that you can give a rat’s ass about them while they regret it for the rest of their life.

TS: I’m not that kind of person. I like regular ole guys. I’m looking for love; I’m not into the fame. Fame means nothing to me if I can’t have a connection.

Crash: Is that why you dated that Jonas Brother and were fucking that vampire dude?

TS: He wasn’t a vampire, he is a werewolf and we were in love, not “effing”.

Crash: Semantics. So what was up with that vampire dude? What’s his name?

TS: His name was Taylor, Taylor Lautner, and he was a werewolf. What do you mean, “What’s up with him?”

Crash: That guy is like the Matthew Mcconaghey of werewolves. Why is he always taking his shirt off?

TS: I guess he is just proud of his body…can we get back to my new Country album?

Crash: That’s exactly what I wanted talk to you about. Besides having a fiddle every once and a while, what makes your music country?

TS: I’m just a simple girl from Pennsylvania and I just sing about my feelings and emotions.

Crash: But you’re not answering my question. You wear cowboy boots with those cute little sundresses but there is nothing remotely country about your music. You have great market appeal and your label is doing a great job marketing you, but it’s not really “Country”. I know you think it is and your label tells you and your fans it is, but its teeny-bop pop music. I’m not trying to attack you personally; I’m not going to bring up your Grammy appearance that you caught hell over or whether or not you deserved female vocalist of the year. I’m just tired of being told that I am listening to one thing and being delivered something different.

TS: I hear that a lot and my answer is that I am a part of the “New Country” movement. I grew up listing to Garth Brooks and Shania Twain and try to use those influences to model my career. They were very successful artists and help Country to become more mainstream. This is the evolution of Country Music.

Crash: See, that’s what we aren’t buying. This is the DEvolution of Country Music. I’ll give credit, you write your own music and songs, work hard, and I don’t know if those squinty little eyes or what, but I think you are hot, but It’s not Country just as “alternative music” isn’t alternative anymore. It used to stand for something but now the suits have gotten control of it and it’s become commercialized. You aren’t an artist anymore; no matter how much you think you are, you are a brand, plain and simple.

TS: Just because you don’t call it something doesn’t mean that it isn’t.

Crash: No, just because you DO call it something doesn’t mean that it IS. The two people that you named didn’t start the trend but they sure as hell took it over the edge and ruined it for true fans. The IPod evolved from vinyl but you can’t tell me that they are the same. They may both play music but other than that they are different. If I tried to sell you a 45 and told you that it’s an IPod, you would say that I am crazy. I’m not saying that they don’t do what they are supposed to, but just call it what it is…Pop.

TS: Well, I am a Country girl and I am a Country singer.

Crash: How do you explain your “rap” video with T-Pain? Is that Country?

TS: It was just a funny goof for the CMA awards.

Crash: This is what you don’t get. Some marketing genius took two people from the most exploited music genres of today and put them together. It’s almost as if it was meant to be a joke just to see how dumb the American public is. This wasn’t Willie and Ray Charles; this is just a shame.

YouTube T-Swizzle/T-Pizzle Video

TS: You’re a real ass, you know that? Way to pick on a 19 year old girl.



Crash: Like I said earlier, I’m not trying to make this personal. I think you are hot, but just wanted to interview you before you pull a Britney or a Lindsey Lohan. After the transformation, then I’ll try to hit on you.

TS: I am NOT going to turn out like them, and, gross, why would you want to date me after that? Does that turn you on? They are disgusting.

Crash: I’m not going to say that it WILL happen to you, but the cards are stacked against you and don’t judge me. I can’t help what I like. I’m what you call an “emotional necrophiliac”…I’ll fuck you but you have to be completely dead on the inside. Give me your number now and I’ll call you in a few years.

TS: Alright, I’m tired of being insulted. If you don’t like my music…fine, but don’t question my character. I don’t care how down and out I may get, but I would never, and I mean NEVER sleep with you.

Crash: (Yelling as TS walks towards the door) DOES THIS MEAN I CAN’T HAVE YOUR NUMBER?

RCS Interview with Blake Shelton

Outlaw Pose

Crash: Here I am with, and I can’t believe I am saying this…Country Star Blake Shelton.


BS: Hey man, thanks for having me and man, it aint no big deal interviewing me.


Crash: (laughing) No, I’m not saying that I can’t believe I am interviewing you. I can’t believe that you are a country star.


BS: (laughing) Well, sometimes I can’t believe it either.


Crash: O.K. I really don’t want to waste anymore of my time so let’s get started. You take a chance in your new top 40 single about a large social issue going on right now. Were you trying to make a political statement with “Hillbilly Bone”?

Pure Country Androgyny

BS: Crash, everything that I do is for fun. If it feels good to me, then I go for it and never apologize. You know what I mean?  I’m not sure where you got political stuff out of that song but I guess that’s what makes my music different…it means so many different things to so many different people.


Crash: Your song, “Hillbilly Bone”, starts off like any old crappy song that they play on country radio today with the gratuitous mentioning of a country great such as Conway Twitty and then you throw in trite southern reference like “grits and greens” because that is the formula nowadays to get any retard to listen to a country song, and then you compare dancing to farm animal’s disgusting habits, but then you get to the heart of the matter…the “Hillbilly Bone”.


BS: Hell Yeah…I love that Hillbilly Bone.


Crash: I’m sure that you have had a Hillbilly Bone or two a few times in your life.

BS: To say the least.

Crash: Now, I assume, Blake, that since you just spout off any old thing that you assume all “southern” folk agree with that you are a republican?

BS: I am American by birth and Southern by the grace of God.

Crash: Yes, I have seen that bumper sticker too, but am I wrong to assume that you are a conservative?

BS: I love Jr, huntin’, dip, and tractors.

Crash: Are you just naming shit? Just tell me who you voted for.

BS: My Daddy fought in Vietnam.

Crash: Ok fucktard, I was going to compliment you for being so progressive but this is like pulling teeth.

WTF is going on in this Pic?

BS: Merle Haggard.

Crash: Are you autistic? Let me just read some of these lyrics so everyone can understand what you are trying to say in this “anthem”

When you see them pretty little country “queens”

Man you gotta admit that's in them genes

Ain't nothing wrong, just getting on your

hillbilly bone-ba-bone-ba-bone-bone

Mysterious Look

Crash: These are pretty progressive lyrics for a staunch right winger.

BS: I don’t even know what you are talking about, but Hell Mother Fuckin Yeah!

Crash: Well, basically, you are saying that it is “nature” and not “nurture”. Not many singers coming out of Nashville are singing about the country “queens”.

BS: What can I say? I love all those pretty little “queens” and they love my “Hillbilly Bone” if you know what I mean?

Crash: I know exactly what you mean and I believe that’s the point that I’m trying to make, but I bet that you like the like the “bone” just as much as they do?

BS: Guilty!!! Just like the lyrics say…”ain’t nothing wrong, just gettin on that hillbilly bone”

Crash: Then you go on to say:

All you need is an open mind

If it fires you up you gotta let it shine

When it feels so right that it can’t be wrong

Come on, come on, come on

Crash: It’s just really hard for me to picture you being that open minded and to have the courage to say, “Hey, it feels good so I’m gonna do it”.

BS: Well, I’m a really deep guy. I’ve got all these complex layers and that’s what I try to express in my songs.

Crash: Not really. You are pretty much they typical country…I’m not even going to call this country. It really is a shame what you call and what passes off as “country” music, but you are the typical recording label puppet that is just spewing every southern cliché that you can, hoping that if you name enough things that at least one of them will have some sort of meaning to the listener. Here is a prime example:

Well, I love Turkey calls, overalls, Wrangler jeans

Smoke nothin' but Marlboro reds

Tattoos up & down my arms,

And deer heads over my bed.

Crash: and how can we forget the ever-so-powerful lyrics:

Well I'm a front-porch sittin',

Guitar pickin', moonshine sippin',

Backer juice spittin' country boy from the woods

And I love fried chicken & blue gill fishin'

BS: (Sounding angry) So, what’s wrong with those lyrics? I’m proud of where I come from.

Crash: You recorded a song with “Backer” referring to tobacco in the lyrics. If you were so proud of your heritage, you wouldn’t whore it out like that.

BS: Fuck you man!! You don’t know me. This interview is over.

Crash: But Blake…we haven’t even gotten to any other of your “hits”. (Yelling louder as BS is walking out of the door) And by the way, Blake, down here they’re called Bream.