RCS Interview with Taylor Swift

Crash: Here I am today with Country Beauty, Taylor Swift. Ms. Swift, How are you today?


TS: I’m doing great Crash, thanks for having me today, and it’s just Taylor.

Crash: O.K. Taylor, before we begin, I just want to ask you personal question if I may.

TS: You can ask…shoot.

Crash: Can I smell your feet?

TS: Ewwwww. Gross. No!

Crash: Well, it’s probably your vagina then.

TS: WHAT?

Crash: Nothing. I was joking. I’m sure you smell fine down there. I was just trying to break the ice and make you feel a little more comfortable for the interview.

TS: Well, can we change the subject and maybe talk about my new album?

Crash: I’d rather not. To be honest, I haven’t even listened to it, but I already know what it is about. I think you’re cute and all but all the songs about high school break ups and those awkward teenage years don’t really appeal to me. This is what...your third album? How many dudes could have cheated on you in high school?

TS: Yes, “Speak Now” is my third album, but this one is different…more mature.

Crash: So, instead of a 16 yr old bitching about men, it’s a 19 year old doing it? Plus, you will look back one day and be sooooo glad that you didn’t end up with one of your loser high school boyfriends. The one great thing about fame is that you can give a rat’s ass about them while they regret it for the rest of their life.

TS: I’m not that kind of person. I like regular ole guys. I’m looking for love; I’m not into the fame. Fame means nothing to me if I can’t have a connection.

Crash: Is that why you dated that Jonas Brother and were fucking that vampire dude?

TS: He wasn’t a vampire, he is a werewolf and we were in love, not “effing”.

Crash: Semantics. So what was up with that vampire dude? What’s his name?

TS: His name was Taylor, Taylor Lautner, and he was a werewolf. What do you mean, “What’s up with him?”

Crash: That guy is like the Matthew Mcconaghey of werewolves. Why is he always taking his shirt off?

TS: I guess he is just proud of his body…can we get back to my new Country album?

Crash: That’s exactly what I wanted talk to you about. Besides having a fiddle every once and a while, what makes your music country?

TS: I’m just a simple girl from Pennsylvania and I just sing about my feelings and emotions.

Crash: But you’re not answering my question. You wear cowboy boots with those cute little sundresses but there is nothing remotely country about your music. You have great market appeal and your label is doing a great job marketing you, but it’s not really “Country”. I know you think it is and your label tells you and your fans it is, but its teeny-bop pop music. I’m not trying to attack you personally; I’m not going to bring up your Grammy appearance that you caught hell over or whether or not you deserved female vocalist of the year. I’m just tired of being told that I am listening to one thing and being delivered something different.

TS: I hear that a lot and my answer is that I am a part of the “New Country” movement. I grew up listing to Garth Brooks and Shania Twain and try to use those influences to model my career. They were very successful artists and help Country to become more mainstream. This is the evolution of Country Music.

Crash: See, that’s what we aren’t buying. This is the DEvolution of Country Music. I’ll give credit, you write your own music and songs, work hard, and I don’t know if those squinty little eyes or what, but I think you are hot, but It’s not Country just as “alternative music” isn’t alternative anymore. It used to stand for something but now the suits have gotten control of it and it’s become commercialized. You aren’t an artist anymore; no matter how much you think you are, you are a brand, plain and simple.

TS: Just because you don’t call it something doesn’t mean that it isn’t.

Crash: No, just because you DO call it something doesn’t mean that it IS. The two people that you named didn’t start the trend but they sure as hell took it over the edge and ruined it for true fans. The IPod evolved from vinyl but you can’t tell me that they are the same. They may both play music but other than that they are different. If I tried to sell you a 45 and told you that it’s an IPod, you would say that I am crazy. I’m not saying that they don’t do what they are supposed to, but just call it what it is…Pop.

TS: Well, I am a Country girl and I am a Country singer.

Crash: How do you explain your “rap” video with T-Pain? Is that Country?

TS: It was just a funny goof for the CMA awards.

Crash: This is what you don’t get. Some marketing genius took two people from the most exploited music genres of today and put them together. It’s almost as if it was meant to be a joke just to see how dumb the American public is. This wasn’t Willie and Ray Charles; this is just a shame.

YouTube T-Swizzle/T-Pizzle Video

TS: You’re a real ass, you know that? Way to pick on a 19 year old girl.



Crash: Like I said earlier, I’m not trying to make this personal. I think you are hot, but just wanted to interview you before you pull a Britney or a Lindsey Lohan. After the transformation, then I’ll try to hit on you.

TS: I am NOT going to turn out like them, and, gross, why would you want to date me after that? Does that turn you on? They are disgusting.

Crash: I’m not going to say that it WILL happen to you, but the cards are stacked against you and don’t judge me. I can’t help what I like. I’m what you call an “emotional necrophiliac”…I’ll fuck you but you have to be completely dead on the inside. Give me your number now and I’ll call you in a few years.

TS: Alright, I’m tired of being insulted. If you don’t like my music…fine, but don’t question my character. I don’t care how down and out I may get, but I would never, and I mean NEVER sleep with you.

Crash: (Yelling as TS walks towards the door) DOES THIS MEAN I CAN’T HAVE YOUR NUMBER?

RCS Interview with Blake Shelton

Outlaw Pose

Crash: Here I am with, and I can’t believe I am saying this…Country Star Blake Shelton.


BS: Hey man, thanks for having me and man, it aint no big deal interviewing me.


Crash: (laughing) No, I’m not saying that I can’t believe I am interviewing you. I can’t believe that you are a country star.


BS: (laughing) Well, sometimes I can’t believe it either.


Crash: O.K. I really don’t want to waste anymore of my time so let’s get started. You take a chance in your new top 40 single about a large social issue going on right now. Were you trying to make a political statement with “Hillbilly Bone”?

Pure Country Androgyny

BS: Crash, everything that I do is for fun. If it feels good to me, then I go for it and never apologize. You know what I mean?  I’m not sure where you got political stuff out of that song but I guess that’s what makes my music different…it means so many different things to so many different people.


Crash: Your song, “Hillbilly Bone”, starts off like any old crappy song that they play on country radio today with the gratuitous mentioning of a country great such as Conway Twitty and then you throw in trite southern reference like “grits and greens” because that is the formula nowadays to get any retard to listen to a country song, and then you compare dancing to farm animal’s disgusting habits, but then you get to the heart of the matter…the “Hillbilly Bone”.


BS: Hell Yeah…I love that Hillbilly Bone.


Crash: I’m sure that you have had a Hillbilly Bone or two a few times in your life.

BS: To say the least.

Crash: Now, I assume, Blake, that since you just spout off any old thing that you assume all “southern” folk agree with that you are a republican?

BS: I am American by birth and Southern by the grace of God.

Crash: Yes, I have seen that bumper sticker too, but am I wrong to assume that you are a conservative?

BS: I love Jr, huntin’, dip, and tractors.

Crash: Are you just naming shit? Just tell me who you voted for.

BS: My Daddy fought in Vietnam.

Crash: Ok fucktard, I was going to compliment you for being so progressive but this is like pulling teeth.

WTF is going on in this Pic?

BS: Merle Haggard.

Crash: Are you autistic? Let me just read some of these lyrics so everyone can understand what you are trying to say in this “anthem”

When you see them pretty little country “queens”

Man you gotta admit that's in them genes

Ain't nothing wrong, just getting on your

hillbilly bone-ba-bone-ba-bone-bone

Mysterious Look

Crash: These are pretty progressive lyrics for a staunch right winger.

BS: I don’t even know what you are talking about, but Hell Mother Fuckin Yeah!

Crash: Well, basically, you are saying that it is “nature” and not “nurture”. Not many singers coming out of Nashville are singing about the country “queens”.

BS: What can I say? I love all those pretty little “queens” and they love my “Hillbilly Bone” if you know what I mean?

Crash: I know exactly what you mean and I believe that’s the point that I’m trying to make, but I bet that you like the like the “bone” just as much as they do?

BS: Guilty!!! Just like the lyrics say…”ain’t nothing wrong, just gettin on that hillbilly bone”

Crash: Then you go on to say:

All you need is an open mind

If it fires you up you gotta let it shine

When it feels so right that it can’t be wrong

Come on, come on, come on

Crash: It’s just really hard for me to picture you being that open minded and to have the courage to say, “Hey, it feels good so I’m gonna do it”.

BS: Well, I’m a really deep guy. I’ve got all these complex layers and that’s what I try to express in my songs.

Crash: Not really. You are pretty much they typical country…I’m not even going to call this country. It really is a shame what you call and what passes off as “country” music, but you are the typical recording label puppet that is just spewing every southern cliché that you can, hoping that if you name enough things that at least one of them will have some sort of meaning to the listener. Here is a prime example:

Well, I love Turkey calls, overalls, Wrangler jeans

Smoke nothin' but Marlboro reds

Tattoos up & down my arms,

And deer heads over my bed.

Crash: and how can we forget the ever-so-powerful lyrics:

Well I'm a front-porch sittin',

Guitar pickin', moonshine sippin',

Backer juice spittin' country boy from the woods

And I love fried chicken & blue gill fishin'

BS: (Sounding angry) So, what’s wrong with those lyrics? I’m proud of where I come from.

Crash: You recorded a song with “Backer” referring to tobacco in the lyrics. If you were so proud of your heritage, you wouldn’t whore it out like that.

BS: Fuck you man!! You don’t know me. This interview is over.

Crash: But Blake…we haven’t even gotten to any other of your “hits”. (Yelling louder as BS is walking out of the door) And by the way, Blake, down here they’re called Bream.